Certain behaviors are often seen in abusers. If there are three of them, there is a strong potential for physical violence. The more behaviors, the greater the likelihood the person is or will become a batterer. The last four signs are battering***; the beginning of physical abuse.

* We have assumed that the victim is a woman and the abuser is a man. Assessment is basically the same despite gender differences. When a person has been desperately closeted, losing the protection of invisibility to abuse, the potential for desperation is great and consideration of that desperation should be included in the assessment.

* Substitute "he/she" for every "he"; "she/he" for every "she" ** Substitute "him/her" for every "him"; "her/him" for every "her"

1. Jealousy: Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It has to do with possessiveness and lack of trust. He/She will question the woman about who she* talks to, will accuse her** of flirting, or will be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As it grows, he/she may call her frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He/she may refuse to let her work for fear she'll meet some one else or check her car mileage or ask friends to watch her.
2. Controlling Behavior: The batterer will say he/she is concerned for the woman's safety, her need to use time well, or to make good decisions. He/she will be angry if the woman is "late" and will question her closely about where she went and who she talked to. As the behavior worsens, he/she may not let her make decisions about the house, her clothing, or even going to church. He/she may keep all the money and even make the woman ask permission to leave the house or room.
3. Quick Involvement: Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they became seriously involved. Abusers often come on like a whirlwind, claiming "You're the only person I could ever talk to." He/she will pressure the other person to commit to the relationship in such a way that later the other person may feel very guilty if he/she wants to slow down.
4. Unrealistic Expectations: The batterer expects the woman to be the perfect wife/husband, mother/father, lover, and friend. He/she will say things like, "If you love me, I'm all you need; you're all I need." The victim is supposed to take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.
5. Isolation: The abusive person tries to cut the victim off from all resources. If the victim has men friends, she's a "whore"; if she has women friends, she's a "lesbian;" if she's close to family, she's tied to their "apron strings." he/she may want to live in the country without a phone, may not let the victim use a car, or may try to keep her from working or going to school.
6. Blames Others for Problems: If the batterer is chronically unemployed, someone is always "out to get him." he/she may make mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting him. he/she will tell the woman she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
7. Blames Others for Feelings: The batterer will say, "you make me mad," "I can't help being angry." he/she makes the decision about what he/she thinks or feels but will use feelings to manipulate her. Harder to catch are claims that "You make me happy, you control how I feel."
8. Hypersensitivy: Abusers are easily insulted. They take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that have happened, things that are just a part of living such as being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told some behavior is annoying, or being asked to help with chores.
9. Cruelty to Animals or Children: Batterers often punish animals brutally and ignore their pain or suffering. They may expect children to be capable of doing things beyond their ability (i.e., they may whip a 2 year old for wetting a diaper), or they may tease children until they cry. 60% of men who beat their partners also beat their children. They may not want children to eat at the table, or they may expect the children to stay in their rooms all evening.
10. "Playful" Use of Force in Sex: A batterer may like to throw and hold down the woman during sex. He/she may want to act out fantasies during sex in which the woman is helpless. he/she may feel that the idea of rape is exciting. He/she may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex, and he/she may use sulking or anger to manipulate the woman into compliance. He/she may start sex with the woman while she is sleeping or demand it when she is ill or tired.
11. Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, the abuser may degrade the woman, curse her, and run down any of her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the woman that she is stupid and unable to function without him. he/she may not let her go to sleep or may wake her to verbal abuse.
12. Rigid Sex Roles: The abuser expects a woman to obey him in all things, even criminal things. The abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
13. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many women are confused by their abuser's "sudden" changes in mood. They may think the abuser has a mental problem because one minute he/she is nice, and the next he/she is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivy.
14. ***Past Battering: A batterer may say that he/she has hit women in the past, but "they made me do it." The women may hear from relatives or girlfriends that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat any women he/she is with if the woman is with him long enough for the violence to begin. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.
15. ***Threats of Violence: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control the women: "I'll slap your mouth off," "I'll break your neck." Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse threats by saying, "Everybody talks like that."
16. ***Breaking or Striking Objects: This can be punishment (breaking possessions), but it is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with his fist or throw objects near her. Not only is this extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks he/she has the "right" to punish or frighten his partner.
17. ***Any Force During an Argument: This may involve a batterer holding a women down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, pushing her, or shoving her. The batterer may hold the women against the wall and say, "You're going to listen to me."

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